Clouded out of my mind, with coffee by my side.
My thoughts are vague and I am not as expressing but I guess I still have my morning cup that keeps me sane and grounded.
I struggle with articulation. You can place me in a hall with many and my thoughts will be more scattered than the people present there.
I grief about having no one but myself who can understand even a fraction of who I am. I also find it amusing how I still can’t perfect learning about myself despite my dreams that supposedly is who I truly am.
Considering myself solemn wouldn’t be exactly right, I am rather quiet…rather restless, maybe grieving but never solemn, which is funny because it sounds impossible.
I am delicate, my sense are numbing all the time but no, I am not solemn. Maybe because despite the sadness in the air, I name it serenity to ease my restlessness.
It all rounds back to be being insane. A crazy girl indeed, right?
The void in my world isn’t silence, it’s filled with murmurs and whispers. They all are weeping and howling at me for some strange reason.
My pulse also sometimes forgets it’s rhythm and cruelly plays with my faith.
My brain also makes me blackout in the most crucial moments.
It’s almost as if no one is there for me except myself but also no one against me except myself.
The voices fade sometimes, even though the faintest touch linger…it’s never as cruel.
The blur in my eyes disappears even if it’s for a second.
My heart also stop trembling if it’s eager for me to do something every inch, every drop, every thread in my body desires.
Make myself a cup of coffee.
The cup of coffee that is just as clouded as my thoughts. I no longer choke when I drink the coffee hot enough to make my skin crawl.
Maybe all I require is for me to feel something, anything. Even if it kills me. even if splits my soul apart or even…if it just burns my tongue.
"I have measured out my life with coffee spoons."
– T.S. Eliot
So it doesn’t hurt anymore, because even if I am clouded out of my mind, I still have my coffee by my side.
(Hehe, an advance poem I wrote in honor of the beautiful weather today.)
”I imagine what if there were any emotions in the sky,
what shade would it be when it smiles, laugh or if it will ever cry?
Is the shade pink when it is teased by the stars,
is it grey when it is polluted by the cars?
Is it blue when it is bored, or is it yellow when it smiles,
Is it following you out of worry or is it just vast for several miles?|
Does it like to be funny, teasing or does it like to scare,
will it rain when it doesn’t feel like anyone will care?
are clouds it’s thoughts and wind it’s messenger,
If it is a human, would it like all the series of avengers?
I mumble my thoughts and ruffle my hair,
I laugh at my imagination, it’s not like the sky will ever care.”